Things that annoy me, chapter one

Moles.
Yes, moles.

I hate yard work yet I have a huge yard. If I actually owned the yard, I wouldn't mow much of it. I would plant most of it to native grasses and wildflowers and leave it be. But since I only rent my yard, along with the house that sits smack dab in the middle of it, I have to keep the damn thing looking nice. The colony of moles that have taken up subterranean residence under my yard make that job difficult.

My moles didn't always annoy the hell out of me. At first, they were simply an inconvenience. The occasional little hill would pop up in the yard and I'd rake it down before I mowed over it. But apparently the horny little bastards have spent all summer having babies so now instead of a couple mole holes scattered here and there, I have an entire mole city complete with the Taj Mahal of mole mounds in the center of it - a 3-foot round and 18-inch high soil castle that practically stops the lawn mower blades when I mow it down (I gave up on raking the hills down and just mow over them now).

I've been given numerous remedies for the problem - traps, poison, a Jack Russell terrier, but the one I like the best is hunting them...with a 12-gauge. I was told to go out right at dusk and stand in the middle of the mole city with a 12-gauge shotgun loaded with bird shot and wait to see a mound start to rise up. When it does, simply blast the hell out of it and BAM! - no more moles. I haven't tried it yet but it sounds like a great idea. What better way to get revenge on the little bastards that have dulled the hell out of my mower blades than to blast big craters in my yard with a shotgun? I can just hear it now - my friends will call up with, "what are you doing this weekend?" And my reply will be, "I'm-a huntin' moles! Wanna join me?" Twelve hours and thirty beers later there will be fifteen craters in the yard and not a single damn mole to show for it.

So I guess they'll just keep building little mole cities and I'll keep mowing them down until the grass quits growing and I don't have to mow anymore. Maybe they'll eventually get tired of building new cities and move somewhere else...I'm thinking my landlord's yard would be a nice place.